You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
