I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
