Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
