My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
