You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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