I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I still have a little drunk in my system
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
