fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
