remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
