guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
