so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
