smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
operation have a gay friend backfired
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
