the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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