Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
