was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
