Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
