you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
