I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
