Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's the barista slut.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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