Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
