it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
this will be a night to untag.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
