Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
