I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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