I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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