Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
