Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
