I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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