sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
