I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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