Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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