Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
