I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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