Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
