she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
