i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
