I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
