once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
