Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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