Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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