he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
