I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
