I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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