We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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