I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
