Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
