My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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