Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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