saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
