You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
