Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
