in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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