then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My bed smells like the plague
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