so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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